Weirdness in Small Places
Staying with the father, he's 5 days on a new knee and my turn to stay overnight while my brother is out of town. Stressful, I'm worried that something might happen, which is my standard self-flagellation and worrying about the most ridiculous things. It helps to admit that I'm a nutter when it comes to finding things to worry about. I'm distantly fascinated by how efficiently I've trained myself to find worries.
So this may be one of the first times I've spent the night in a long time, and similar to worries, unbidden to mind comes recollection of the brief dalliance with J. This is the mere week or 2 with her, wherein she ended it after one last romp. My tone is all wrong here, I've no regret or self-injury. I've decided that, to her, I fell in an “uncanny valley” of desirable but not enough to overcome some reflexes born of bad experiences. More benevolently, she was having a good time being a single mom, I'd have been (at best) a distraction.
Still, my negative reflexes work efficiently, and so these two trains of thought run on parallel tracks.
My wise friend V has said that she knows when she obsesses, it's to distract her from the hard thing she should confront. So too I think it occurs with me, and I wonder what left-field thing is standing there while I'm distracting myself with train-spotting.