Fear My Tech.

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Fear My Tech 18 Nov 2003

First off, let me confess to becoming a modernist. I studied Architecture when some guy named Michael Graves was getting attention. (Didn't he design a house for his mother in Riverside?) Tom Wolfe wrote a tiny book called “From Bauhaus to Our House” and I lived every cynical criticism of the modernists.

No longer, as the world gets crazier, all I can dream of is sitting in a room Eero Saarinen would have designed and staring at the trees outside. (I almost broke my neck the night I walked into the TWA terminal at Dulles, I unabashedly gawked.)

Ok, so with that in mind, you might be guessing that I've been using fruit-computers for a long time. When my brother poo-poo'd the gui as a “cartoon computer” I just dug in my heels. I applaud the profound sense of design imbued throughout the product line. I will even grudgingly give credit to their insane CEO.

But today, a friend was inquiring about them non-Wintel computers for a lady of his acquaintance because she thought they were cute.

The convo (edited) follows:

C: thanks for the email

B: Hope it helps. Obviously a woman of refined tastes, knowledgeable about things technical without being burdened by it's essential lack of utility.

C: yeah... she just thinks that small things are cute, so she wants one of those little 12” dealies

B: cute? CUTE?!?!?! An apple product CUTE? I am indignant! These are POWERFUL machines. Capable of augmenting the mere human's abilities to GALACTIC proportions. Solving all the world's problems

C: well, she didn't say that the apples themselves were cute, she just likes small things... don't ask me, it's weird

B: Embodying the boldness of thought in every inch of their creation. A fight against entropy. The epic battle of reversal of the great heat-death. I mean c'mon, look at the original Macintosh! And the the original iMac! And the CURRENT iMac!

C: ...

B: There all... They're all... ...cute. I need to solder teeth and fangs on my laptop's case.... To imbue it with primordial anger B: and minimize it's “cuteness.”

C: I thought you would want people to think it's cute and thus buy more of them?

B: Oh right, the “Tribbles Argument.” See how far that's gotten them! 3%? 7% of the market?

C: the klingons killed all of them.

B: Yeah, cute is the fuel to power the Jobsian Ship of Space all the way to.... to... Anaheim. Nah, They should go for the BIG and ANGRY now. Let that performance-art group that makes the giant destruction robots take over. Steam- and smoke-belching atrocities of technical grandeur that frighten the user from the moment of boot up.

C: i would like that better than cute, but i doubt that this girl would

B: Humbling the carbon-units with the mightiness of their power. Oh yeah, turning your computer on should be DANGEROUS... ...but turning it OFF should be LIFE-THREATENING VROOM, yeah baby, Whhheeeeeee-EEEEEEEE-eeeeee

C: too much sugar today, B?

B: I want my multi-gigahertz Ultimaputer to make those Harley-dweebs quake in FEAR at my approach. Giant bolts of enthusiasm... Tesla-coils 9 meters tall, I want my town to brown-out when my wireless starts up... {bing} Oh, darn, time for my medication...

Ok, ok, ok, so it was all in good fun, but I think I might be on to something here. Instead for Frog Design, or SuperHappyBunny, I think the insane CEO should hire Survival Research Labs. (The aforementioned San Francisco-based performance-art group that uses destructive robots of enormous size/power. the only theater with a real body-count... See photo above.)

I think with all the case-modders out there, we should be looking for a machine that embodies the anger. Shouts out the danger, makes the user afraid to disagree with it. Or at least, to tamper with it's internals.

Since most of those that I know live in abject fear of their tech, I just think we're expressing the honest reality of it. Putting it out for all to see. Bring it on.

I have a sculptor friend who I've been trying to get into case-mods, and this guy can express some serious issues. (Comes from being paid to carry an M-16 in his youth) I think we could combine nightmares and make a case that could insure the kids never EVER use it without permission. From the machine.